I hold a solid sacred space for women to explore their inner world and make deep positive permanent shifts in their lives.
It’s Saturday afternoon, and a party to go to tonight, me at 18 years old – NOT into makeup, NOT into getting all fancied up, ONLY interested in who had the coolest car and if I could be their sober driver for the evening!
There’s a couple of hours yet before my boyfriend and I will head off (and a few more hours until I get hold of someone else’s keys and get to be the chauffeur behind a lovely big V8 engine!).
The phone rings. It’s Mum. “Darling” she says, “your brother has run away. Can you leave your door unlocked in case he turns up there while you’re out or sleeping?”
“Sure, of course Mum.” It occurs to me that he’s not done that before, and I probably live too far from Mums for Ben to walk here. He’s just 15, he’s not driving yet.
A few hours later as we leave, I put a note on the door telling him it’s open, and we go.
Fast forward to the next day. It’s late morning. The phone rings again. This time it’s my aunty. The one who busted me after weeks of wagging school a few years ago. She’s got the same stern voice on that she had that day…
She tells me to get over to Mums now. “Shit” I think, “What naughtiness have I been caught on this time?” I’m racking my brain, there isn’t anything…
Ten minutes later my aunty rings again. “Stay there, I’m coming over”
Oh man. She’s coming to my house! To tell me off I’m sure, but for what??
After a short time, her and her hubby pull up and get out of their car. Stern faces. Uh oh. I’m all welcoming and “hi, hello, how’s it going.” Still racking my brain and running out of seconds to come up with the world’s most legitimate reason for whatever it is I’ve done wrong.
“Come inside” she says.
My aunty, her hubby, me, my boyfriend. We all reached the end of the hallway sort of kind of all together and my aunty stops and looks at me. Still with the unsmiling face.
“Ben’s gone, Ben’s not coming back”
“WHAT??!! Where is he?”
In the next 2 or 3 seconds, a whole world of questions goes racing through my mind. Where is he? When did he go there? Why is he there? Why isn’t he at home? Is he ok? Did he go there on his own accord? Was he taken, kidnapped? Is he in this country? Another country? Conscious? Unconscious? In jail in another country? Is he fucken screaming for us to come get him? Are we going to get him right now or WHAT??
BOOM!! Like a sledgehammer into my guts.
My legs stopped holding me up and I dropped to the floor.
A massive bottomless hole opened up in my chest as I grappled with what I just heard.
I don’t remember what followed. I think I was in my auntys car for the trip to Mums. I do remember running to Mum and bursting into a new depth of tears as I saw her standing there in utter, total, heartbreak.
The hours and days following were a blur of people, dishes of food, authorities, funeral people, while I stood on an earth that had stopped turning.
Ben had taken his own life. He was only 15. He jumped out of a tree with a piece of rope in exactly the right place to achieve his last move.
And my world was shattered.
When I was 9 years old, my father took his life. He was in another country and I barely remembered him. I wasn’t really old enough to understand what suicide truly meant.
When I was 10, my uncle took his life. This time I knew what was happening. I felt distant from the pain everyone else was clearly experiencing. But I got what the situation was. And I had questions. I definitely did not understand why he was in a casket at the back of some dim cold room in some building none of us had been to before. Or why we were whispering. Or why people took turns to go over and look at him, then come away again.
When Ben did it, I got it alright. I really, really got it.
And then my cousin ended his life a few years later.
It was Ben’s death that changed the trajectory of my life, changed who I was, changed how I saw the world. It woke me up to a big universe of unknowns.
I began a hunt for understanding and connection and remembrance and truth that eventually guided me back to my soul. And now that time has passed and the hole in my chest has healed, I will be eternally grateful for this journey. I love my brother and will always be massively grateful for the gift he gave me.
So in spite of the losing men in my family to suicide and because of the impact on me of my brother choosing his death, I have chosen to live a powerful and big life. That choice has kept me for many years on the journey of self growth and inner expansion. The freedom I live now is a result of the journey so far. I’m deeply happy, I’m connected to nature and life at multiple levels, and I’m free to choose every single day.
Now I choose to shine a light for you and every human on this planet. I choose to stand in my inherent divinity and be in Presence and in Service.
I am a stand for the conscious empowered freedom of all women. I stand for you.
Don’t stay in pain or at a dead end. Don’t stay small and hidden. You are a being of Light and I see your true essence. Step forward into that. I’ve got you.